I'm Hideousgirl and this is my blog. I created this blog for two main reasons. The first reason is that I need an outlet through which to vent the deep pain and rejection that I have endured throughout my 25 years of living. The second reason for making this blog is my hope that it might be of some comfort to anyone out there who might be experiencing a similar fate to mine.
By now you may be wondering what fate I am speaking of and what could be the source of my intense heartache and lonliness. You have noticed that my nickname is Hideousgirl. I won't beg you to add two and two together. This mortal shell that I wear is not the most glorious sight to behold, but I truly believe the ugliness to be merely skin deep. However, the constant pain that I feel runs much deeper than where either skin or ugliness could possibly reach.
I have made countless,vain (in both meanings of the word) attempts at accomplishing a more attractive presentation. I've tried wearing makeup of all intensities and styles. I've tried wearing skirts with pretty blouses and trendy shoes. Trust me when I say that the more effort I put into improving my appearance, the more negative attention I receive, especially from the opposite sex. If I hide myself in dark, roomy clothing, people usually don't notice I'm even around. But how dare I put on something that might suggest any wisp of self esteem or they will send the beast back to her cage; with their arrogant, snickery grins, and whispered insults. Occasionally I will recieve a verbal reprimand for my hideous appearance, usually consisting of an accidental "Eww." The most mild of scrutiny exudes from those eyes that have met mine and been unable to stay locked for more than a fraction of a second. They turn away in a valiant attempt to hide their disgust and pretend I'm not there.
This most often happens in a supermarket because I only go out into public whenever is absolutely necessary. Yes, in the grocery store. If I am granted a slightly sincere smile it will be from the cashier who paints a friendly smile to every customer. The cashier's eyes are like icy, glassy globes that only register visual intelligence that is needed for the tallying of bills.
I've been crying today, only for a short moment. I've nearly lost the ability to cry anymore even though I'm perpetually a very emotional individual. I feel with the same depth as in my lesser youth, but the expression of it is shallowed, almost nonexistent. After all I've been through, rejection does not sever through my fragile heart as it once did. I need noone. Not even those who love me and believe I love them are allowed to touch the overflowing well within my soul. Noone may approach. I want to hide in darkness forever. That would be tranquility.